urbanotarded

corduroy in may is fucking urbanotarded

So things here at Urbanotarded have been pretty quiet lately. See, I moved to San Francisco and people here just adhere to the ridiculous trends that they do in New York. San Franciscans are more interested in windbreakers than leggings, in flip-flops than stilettos, in drinking wine and gazing at the bay than haunting Urban Outfitters on a weekly basis.

There is one thing that's come to my attention lately though, and it's a whole new type of urbanotarded. A new breed, if you will, but it gives me the same sort of headache that I get when I see an NYU student clad in a denim skirt over leggings...

Here, in San Francisco - the San Francisco in CALIFORNIA, home of endless summer - people are still wearing fall clothes. IT'S MAY.

Today I was sitting in the park, basking in 85 degrees of gorgeousness. All around me were people in shorts and skirts and even bikinis (yeah, not going there). And then I started noticing that in addition to all of these seasonally well-adjusted people was a smattering of people in sweaters and jackets. One dude in front of me was wearing a wool skullcap and a black corduroy jacket. Dude - it's 85 degrees! I also noticed someone wearing knee-high boots with tights, another person wearing a wool coat and various other levels of ridiculousness that I won't get into.

Anyway, it's baffling. I know people are used to sudden chills and fog in SF but that's why layering is such a hot thing in these parts. I think the reasoning behind wool in the spring is that Californians don't really have seasons, so we don't really understand the concept of seasonal clothing. Hell, I used to wear wool coats as soon as it dipped into the 60s until I moved out of state. Silly me.

But I think that in lieu of the leggings epidemic, this might be the new calling of Urbanotarded. Maybe I should call it Seasontarded or something instead.

urbanotarded on the west coast

Couldn't take anymore hipsters in ironic leggings and denim skirts, so I moved to San Francisco to hunt down the croc-wearing yuppies of Marin County. Look out, suckas!

But maybe I didn't need to move all the way out here for the hunt. I took this photo of a storefront in Soho... the Crocs are coming. God. help. us. all.

rumination

Does anyone else recognize the irony of this phenomenon today wherein young starlets starve themselves to near-nothingness and then pile on bulky fashion pieces? Apparently adding mass is the new black…?

the new sweater set

Let me first apologize for the quality of this photo. It was taken with my camera phone, in the wilds of the Woodland Hills Promenade Mall, while I was hunting tweeners near a giant movie theater. This young lady, bless her, is wearing... a matching sweater/knee-high booties type of... thing.

Now, in all fairness, she's a tweener and tweenage years are when people tend to make their most heinous offenses. This particular outfit was probably a Christmas gift that she BEGGED her parents to buy her. I once begged my parents to buy me a jacket with purple leather sleeves and a graffiti-style snowboarder embroidered on the back. I wore it twice before I realized it was horrendous.

Moving on.

What alarms me about this is that it's taking two things that I dread in the fashion world and blending them to make a fashion Frankenstein. Sweater sets are for people named Muffy who live in Connecticut. Booties are for NOBODY, especially when they're knitted to match a sweater. It's an atrocity.

This poor girl doesn't know any better as she probably still judges the quality of an outfit by its "cute" factor, ie, cutesiness. The "cute" factor really should only apply to those under the age of 12. After that it becomes cloying and might very well lead to the middle-aged "cute" dilemma: when moms dress like their daughters. Never, EVER a good idea.

slouchy boots and mukluks

I don't know why people think that adding mass to the lowest part of their body is flattering. And for some reason, it's mostly girls who are a little on the thicker side who insist on wearing things that barely look passable on super skinny chicks. For the record, I am a little on the thicker side.

Take the slouchy boot, for example.

It has its place, I will admit. Kate Moss can rock it in its designer form (but then again she can rock anything, including a drug addiction and a skanky boyfriend). I do like the slouchy boot and wish that I could pull them off myself. However, I am aware that I do not have super skinny legs. It's much more flattering for me to have ankles than to have cankles, and therefore I choose not to add mass to this area. I also choose not to wear sweater dresses because they add mass to my middle. I have enough mass there, thanks. I won't even get started on horizontal stripes and my ass.

Another bad idea: the mukluk. You're not just adding mass, you're practically adding another mammal to your frame.

Sometimes with tassels. Ouch.

glass slippers for 2007

I started this blog because I find it so infuriating to see what people do with fashion. Why do Crocs exist? Why have legwarmers come back? Are dancers even using them? As far as I'm concerned, the only person who has any business wearing legwarmers is Jennifer Beals and that's only if she's shooting "Flashdance 2".

Anyway, speaking of atrocities for the feet, I was walking through Macy's and found these little gems. Perhaps they're the glass slipper for the new millenium? Good god. They're Stuart Weitzman (he should know better!) and they're plastic. And they're like $200. Apparently they're the upper-class, suburban-mommy version of the Jelly shoe. Remember those? And I bet they make your feet smell really bad and are horribly uncomfortable, even after a couple Cosmos.