urbanotarded

rumination

Does anyone else recognize the irony of this phenomenon today wherein young starlets starve themselves to near-nothingness and then pile on bulky fashion pieces? Apparently adding mass is the new black…?

the new sweater set

Let me first apologize for the quality of this photo. It was taken with my camera phone, in the wilds of the Woodland Hills Promenade Mall, while I was hunting tweeners near a giant movie theater. This young lady, bless her, is wearing... a matching sweater/knee-high booties type of... thing.

Now, in all fairness, she's a tweener and tweenage years are when people tend to make their most heinous offenses. This particular outfit was probably a Christmas gift that she BEGGED her parents to buy her. I once begged my parents to buy me a jacket with purple leather sleeves and a graffiti-style snowboarder embroidered on the back. I wore it twice before I realized it was horrendous.

Moving on.

What alarms me about this is that it's taking two things that I dread in the fashion world and blending them to make a fashion Frankenstein. Sweater sets are for people named Muffy who live in Connecticut. Booties are for NOBODY, especially when they're knitted to match a sweater. It's an atrocity.

This poor girl doesn't know any better as she probably still judges the quality of an outfit by its "cute" factor, ie, cutesiness. The "cute" factor really should only apply to those under the age of 12. After that it becomes cloying and might very well lead to the middle-aged "cute" dilemma: when moms dress like their daughters. Never, EVER a good idea.

slouchy boots and mukluks

I don't know why people think that adding mass to the lowest part of their body is flattering. And for some reason, it's mostly girls who are a little on the thicker side who insist on wearing things that barely look passable on super skinny chicks. For the record, I am a little on the thicker side.

Take the slouchy boot, for example.

It has its place, I will admit. Kate Moss can rock it in its designer form (but then again she can rock anything, including a drug addiction and a skanky boyfriend). I do like the slouchy boot and wish that I could pull them off myself. However, I am aware that I do not have super skinny legs. It's much more flattering for me to have ankles than to have cankles, and therefore I choose not to add mass to this area. I also choose not to wear sweater dresses because they add mass to my middle. I have enough mass there, thanks. I won't even get started on horizontal stripes and my ass.

Another bad idea: the mukluk. You're not just adding mass, you're practically adding another mammal to your frame.

Sometimes with tassels. Ouch.

glass slippers for 2007

I started this blog because I find it so infuriating to see what people do with fashion. Why do Crocs exist? Why have legwarmers come back? Are dancers even using them? As far as I'm concerned, the only person who has any business wearing legwarmers is Jennifer Beals and that's only if she's shooting "Flashdance 2".

Anyway, speaking of atrocities for the feet, I was walking through Macy's and found these little gems. Perhaps they're the glass slipper for the new millenium? Good god. They're Stuart Weitzman (he should know better!) and they're plastic. And they're like $200. Apparently they're the upper-class, suburban-mommy version of the Jelly shoe. Remember those? And I bet they make your feet smell really bad and are horribly uncomfortable, even after a couple Cosmos.